Catholic Dictionary - For Catholics Only

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN	The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN	Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR	A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER	A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN	A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN	The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE	Holy Smoke!
JESUITS	An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH	The original 'Jaws' story.
JUSTICE	When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON	The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics it means "Lord have mercy".)
MAGI	The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER	Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey.
PEW	A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION	The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL	The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS	People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
STABLE	Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
TEN COMMANDMENTS	The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS	The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.